Two Weeks to Peace

My usual early morning emotional state is pretty consistent. I wake up in a semi-state of panic, either from having a nightmare about work, thinking about my work schedule ahead, or feeling like I forgot to attend a meeting or forgot a deadline or something (kinda like those exam dreams when you never make it on time or forget about the damn thing altogether). It's been like this for many years. My shrink would probably say (well, he did) that this was an unhealthy way to start my day. In the beginning I believed him, but now, well, I've gotten used to it, and that "start your anxiety engine now!" immediate feeling when my eyes open has become my norm. It even happens on weekends and vacations. It's how I know I'm awake and it's a new day. No biggy.

But it didn't happen this morning. It's Sunday, the day before I return to work, after having two full weeks off. I am confused. I woke up this morning AFTER the sun came up, feeling rather (can I say this?) peaceful. No panic, no anxiety, no scary work dreams. No middle of the night new grand ideas to jot down, no needing to jump immediately out of bed to check my daily calendar. And to top it off, my coffee machine, which is normally set to automatically brew at 6am (I typically manually over-ride it at 5), already had fresh coffee waiting for me!

Hmmmmm..... What is THIS feeling? Is this how other people (read - normal) start their day? What is different about THIS morning? Am I loosing my edge? What did I eat for dinner? Needless to say, I began to semi-panic that I wasn't semi-panicking. And then I stopped semi-panicking..... because I could.

And now that I am writing this, it's occurring to me that it has taken me 2 full weeks of not working to begin the process of resetting my brain. Those who know me know I love my work, love the people I work with, and know that I have found my life's purpose in my work. But this new feeling this morning????? This is pretty damn cool!

My schedule over the last few years (2 decades?)has been hectic (my son would say, "insane", but that's another topic). I have not stopped moving, thinking, doing, producing, shipping, creating or fixing, in many, many years. I'm not complaining, just stating the facts. If it's taken me two full weeks of not working AT ALL (and that's also another topic), to begin to feel somewhat peaceful in the morning, imagine what a month off could do! This has the potential of me reaching a Buddha-like state in the mornings! Can I even allow my mind to go there?

The answer is yes. For those of us who have thrown ourselves into our work, who have loved our work, who sleep and dream and wake with our work, the need to reset our brain every now and then is imperative, and a weekend or even a week won't do it. It apparently takes a lot longer. I don't know this from experience, mind you. I only know this based on my last hour of being awake and the resetting that has begun. So take it for what it's worth.

Tomorrow I return to work. But today, I will thank my vacation for this morning, and the reminder that there is always another way, a slower way and the possibility of peace in the mornings, complete with pre-brewed coffee!

Oh, and by the way, just giving my work family some advanced notice.... I will be taking the month of April off!

Michelle