There are certain days that mark both a beginning and an end of something large. You know those days. They are bittersweet with the conflicting feelings of joy and sadness swimming together in the vast container of your heart. Yesterday was one of those days....and the splashing around is lingering into today.Those of you who read my blog know that I am comfortable sharing details of my life that some might feel are inappropriate to share in such an open forum. Perhaps I am comfortable to do this because I am an open book, and feel that if I learned or felt or experienced something deeply personal that maybe somebody else is also feeling or experiencing something similar and might benefit from reading my thoughts on the subject. Or, perhaps, I am simply narcissistic. I've been called a megalomaniac once. Hell, I don't know. Either way, this is what happened yesterday.
My son nailed a job in Santa Monica a few days ago. He's a server/busboy/delivery person/doanythingthebosstellsyou at a Thai restaurant in Westwood. For the last year, his car has been safely housed in my garage waiting for this day. The deal was this....
Mom: Get a job, make some money and the car is yours.
Him: Moooom, it's hard to get a job without a car.
Mom: I know. Do it anyway.
He did and I knew the feeling he would have when he accomplished something on his own would be something he would remember for the rest of his life and perhaps even change his life. I knew this because I was guilty of making things too easy for him his whole life. He rarely had to work hard for anything. Yes, I was THAT parent. I didn't realize it while I was doing it, I only realized it once our entire world exploded and we were forced to drastically change direction and re-evaluate every position, decision and action. No more easy. No more gimmes. No more coddling and giving in. Life doesn't hand you things just because you want them. "Work, damn it, and the car is yours. Oh, and by the way, you're paying for your gas, and insurance. Oh, and did I mention that if you lose your job the car comes back?" Yea, I've now become THAT parent.
I got the call yesterday morning, "Mom, they want me to deliver tonight and I need to come down and get my car." He was thrilled. I was petrified. You see, for the last year, Noah was in a very safe environment in Santa Monica. He didn't have wheels so he couldn't venture out too much. There was some comfort and safety in those circumstances for me. Without getting into the details of the situation, you're gonna have to trust me on this one. I liked the fact that he was a bit grounded in a sense. But a deal's a deal.
So he took the train down from LA yesterday to fetch his Jeep.
His dad was kind enough to get it serviced and cleaned for him (thank God it started!).
We frantically got him insurance (thank God for Progressive and their willingness to take risks.... although it comes with a price tag).
As Noah printed out his insurance card and gathered some belongings into his car, THE feeling(s) came over me. At once I was so incredibly happy for him that he was growing up... had a job, going to college, paying for his car. And then the panic filled me. He can go anywhere... he can do anything.... I cannot control his environment (by the way, I never could...I just thought I was!).
I stood outside by the front door, as he got into his car. I watched him carefully adjust the mirrors, put his seat in the correct spot, plug his music into the place he plugs his music into and I waited for the car and my son to drive into his future. He stalled a bit.... I could tell he was a tad nervous since he hadn't driven in a year. I was nervous for a plethora of other reasons.
And then the car moved. He had a huge smile on his face but his eyes also spoke to me, and then he stopped and looked at me again and he waved. And at the moment, I lost it. It was a very defining moment. My son was driving into his life, a life of his own. A life he will navigate independently. A life of his making. A life that I will hear about in brief phone calls and random visits home. It was the beginning and the end of something large.
I can't shake it off me this morning..... how something as silly as a car could hold so much symbolic meaning. But it does. I miss him more this morning then I have ever missed him. I think I will miss him this way for the rest of my life. I am also so incredibly proud of him! And he knows that.
So I will end this blog with a Irish blessing that I used on a different blog..... It means so much more to me this time around:
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